Thursday, December 4, 2008

Please Marry My Brother - 2nd Request

I tried this a couple of months ago with no success, but that was before I had such a huge following. Now that I have six followers, I'm confident that we'll marry my brother off before he stops producing sperm. It doesn't matter that the two followers I know are way too young and the four I don't are married to other men. Time and trouble will cure that. Besides, you've got people.

This is my brother, Russell. He's 51 and a Leo. Russ is a six foot four, 190 pound hunk of burnin' love. He's for sale. Before I tell you why you or someone you know should marry him, you should know that I used to hate his guts.

Russell is the middle child. You know - the lost child? Not the oldest - the experimental child. Not the youngest - the we're worn out, just do what you want child. According to him, he was the Angel Child, his position safely insulating him from my sneaky lies & the biting tongue of our baby sister, Dina. He was the only one of three who never broke a rule or defied my parents. Lying dog.

From the beginning, he had them fooled. He'd stand there, all blond & blue eyed, looking up at them, blink, blink, blinking. They'd tousle his curly mop, laugh and shake their heads with wonder & delight. Then they'd leave me alone with him. The moment they turned their backs, he'd narrow those wide blue eyes and turn them on me.


The worst of it took place when I was too young to know about murder as a problem solver. Had I known, his last day on earth would have been the day he chased me from room to room for over an hour, screeching Mama! Dadda! with an Italian accent. I had to lock myself in a closet to get away from him. Fricken dillhole.

Even the most evil genius can't ride under the radar forever. They trip up. Get sloppy. Make mistakes. Like the time he left a "this car climbed Mount Washington" bumper sticker on the back seat of my parents brand new car. The one he was totally forbidden to drive. Blond, blinkie Angel Boy gets a slap on the wrist. Piss me off.

Oh! And when he comes home with a HICKEY on his neck the size of a fricken palmetto bug and my father nudges him *wink* wink* with his elbow? You know what I got for a hickey half that size? Grounded! For TWO WEEKS. Asshole.

OK. So. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Russell. My single brother...Screw him. Let him find his own date. I'm all pissed off all over again and have nothing nice to say about him. Jerk.

14 comments:

Ann said...

I forgot about hickeys... so high school. Or am I missing out on a new lov'en trend.

LOL, the entire post. I'm married, but if I think of a single friend that I kind of like....I'll pass it on. :D

Debbie said...

OK. I can't marry your brother but I did take you up to 7 followers. Does that count for something?

Sheree said...

The hickeys that we got in the seventies were nothing compared to the monkey bites I see on kids these days. You wonder why they don't die of blood loss.

SEVEN. Woo hoo. And yes, that does count for something. You can follow me anywhere. Who knows, either of you could change your mind about Russell. Then we'd be related & probably end up hating each other so never mind.

He's HORRIFIED that I do this. Paybacks, baby brother, are a mutha.

kwr221 said...

I'm married, but, Ill keep him in mind as a backup.

sheila said...

Oh, that was a great post! lol

Now, down to business. I also have a law...46 unmarried. It's SO TOO BAD that one of them wasn't a woman because we could TOTALLY hook them up! lol

I DO have a nutty aunt about his age, single. But I couldn't visit that one on ya!

Miss Thystle said...

(sniffle, wipe tear away) With a sales pitch like that, so touching, so, REAL and SPECIAL, how can you not have married him off yet?

Sheree said...

Ya, I know, I have a way with words. You need any marketing done, I'm just the gal to do it.

I'll address his endearing characteristics in another post. I don't want to use all my material in one month.

Julie said...

How about a Southern 52 yr old middle child; complete with a halo?

Sheree Burlington said...

Hi Julie,

Well, he's still single, still handsome and funny & still for sale. As for the halo, you may need to tip that a bit with a pair of horns. We're open.

Best - Sheree (for Russell)

Anonymous said...

to the opinionated broad:
your blog is great, wicked sense of humor - too bad you desisted. i want to hear more about your son and his escapades, your business and endeavors and about the legendary Russell. I'm single and looking for someone with a stellar sense of humor (romantic doesn't hurt, either). Is Manchester, New Hampshire a nice place? I'm looking for a job and wouldn't mind moving. Did I mention my creativity and artistic talent? Are you, perchance, searching for any employees, associates, new friends?
Deb

Sheree Burlington said...

Hello Deb, thanks for the compliment. I wish I had more time for this blog. It was so much fun finding material for it, but so time consuming. I still blog, but mostly about designing on Polyvore and work stuff (links on the MP site)

Russell is still single and most likely will be forever. The longer one stays single, the more rigid they become. NH is a wonderful place to live, it's just beautiful here. We at MP always want new friends, but are all set for staff right now. Thanks for your offer and best of luck on your search for romance/employment!:)

Anonymous said...

Sheree,

I don't know how to begin to express my sorrow at the loss of your son, Neal. He was somewhat younger than my son Carl, but it sounds like they are kindred spirits. I know that you will miss him so much and that it will be hard to laugh for oh, such a long time. Although you will be forever changed I hope that Sheree Joy can remain the awesome, strong and independent woman with the incredible sense of humor. My thoughts are with you.
Deb

Sheree Burlington said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheree Burlington said...

Hello Deb - thank you for your good words. He sure has left a lot of quiet behind. I hear him in every loud muffler and motorcycle that passes. People do survive the loss of a child, they just do it forever changed. You know I'll need to write this. There's so much to understand. My best - Sheree Joy. :)